graceam

Labelling my child

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graceam

Dear Mama's ,

As I write ths post , I have quite an anxious heart.

 

I have 4 children, 11, 6, 4, and 2. The 11 yr old is highly talented and intelligent. The 4 and 2 are yet to show their presonality. The 6 yr old is sweet , loving boy

but he is the one I have issues with.

He is so highly visual that he learns much more watching videos and TV. That is not the issue.

We use MUS and he cannot retain math facts. He can memorize lengthy bible verses but not math fact.

He is always thinking or doing something or talking something that is not relevant on what is going on.

He is violent with his siblings. He tends to show a sensory disorder and has no respect for elders.

His one day co-op teacher has also mentioned that he is very very active at school. Was she saying he was disruptive?

 

I am lost, do I test him for ADD, OCD and who know what other labels are out there.

My husband detests labelling him and I am at my wits end trying to maintain peace between the 11 and 6.

 

 

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luvmyguys

Dear Mama's ,

As I write ths post , I have quite an anxious heart.

I have 4 children, 11, 6, 4, and 2. The 11 yr old is highly talented and intelligent. The 4 and 2 are yet to show their presonality. The 6 yr old is sweet , loving boy

but he is the one I have issues with.

He is so highly visual that he learns much more watching videos and TV. That is not the issue.

We use MUS and he cannot retain math facts. He can memorize lengthy bible verses but not math fact.

He is always thinking or doing something or talking something that is not relevant on what is going on.

He is violent with his siblings. He tends to show a sensory disorder and has no respect for elders.

His one day co-op teacher has also mentioned that he is very very active at school. Was she saying he was disruptive?

I am lost, do I test him for ADD, OCD and who know what other labels are out there.

My husband detests labelling him and I am at my wits end trying to maintain peace between the 11 and 6.

As much as he might dislike labeling, if you can't handle the problems at home, then the "label" may very well help you figure out how to help him.

Good luck, mama.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

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doxa

I might try to reframe the issue and find a healthier way of thinking about it. If doctors run medical tests and diagnose someone as having diabetes, is it labeling or is it simply making a diagnosis in order to secure the most effective treatment?

It can be very upsetting to think that a child might have a problem, believe me, I know. However, most of the time it doesn't get better by shying away from testing and a treatment plan.

It sounds as though ADHD might be a possibility if his level of activity exceeds what is typical for his,age and he has trouble controlling his impulses. (That could come off as disrespect too when it could be an impulse control problem.). Many kids with ADHD can be very bright and they are often very visual/spatial. Memory retrieval can be a struggle too, which is why some of us first become aware of it when we witness the struggle with math facts.

I would definitely pursue testing and not think,of it as labeling, but helping.

By the way, many kids who do have ADHD also have some level,of sensory processing disorder. Sometimes ODD (oppositional defiant disorder) can be a co morbid condition, but there is no need to put the cart before the horse. Maybe you can start with your pediatrician. If you have access to a behavioral pediatrician so much the better.

Edited by doxa
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Countrymom9

 

 

As much as he might dislike labeling, if you can't handle the problems at home, then the "label" may very well help you figure out how to help him.

Good luck, mama.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

I hate to disagree with your dh, but the sooner he's tested and treatment is begun, the better. We had a child like that and kept hoping he'd outgrow it. By eleven I could not handle him any more and finally had him evaluated. He turned out to have a whole host of problems, but by then he was desperate to appear "normal" and was very resistant to any therapies, medical or otherwise. He became violent with us and had to be put in a residential therapeutic school at fourteen. He learned a lot there and did well, but it didn't all stick after he was "discharged". He is muddling through life now, better than if he had had no treatment (he works, has a family, stays out of jail, cares about us to some extent), but he probably would have done a lot better if we had begun the process sooner. I know I would have. 

 

Labels can give you knowledge, however imperfect, about how to help, and can open doors for outside help as well.

Edited by Countrymom9
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graceam

Thank you Ladies.

I am prayfully going to submit the idea to my Husband.

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doxa

I'm going to be direct and ask forgiveness if I offend, but I feel very strongly that your husband's way of looking at this is not only wrong, but it could be damaging.  

 

I would absolutely, unequivocally strike the word "labels" from your way of thinking and substitute "diagnosis and treatment".  

 

Play with it.  "I am not going to take my chid to the eye doctor so that somebody can label him "nearsighted".  I hate labels."  (So the child goes without glasses?) 

 

verssus, "My child can't seem to see the screen. I think we should test him to see if he needs help.  Oh, he's nearsighted?  Now that we know that we can get him some glasses!" 

 

The reason we don't balk at taking kids to doctors for medical ailments  is because we don't feel their is a stigma attached to them.  Yet when the problems become neurological (Autism, ADHD, etc.) or veer off into mental health (depression, anxiety, OCD) some are perhaps afraid because at heart they  may not truly accept for themselves that these are very real and diagnosable medical or mental health problems that deserve treatment!

 

Some people don't believe that ADHD,ODD, or anxiety disorders are real, so they just pass them off as bad behavior and then blame parents.  ("Your son doesn't have ADHD --you're just a lazy parent who can't control him and now you want to give him drugs to make your job easier." )  Ignorant, rude people can made stupid comments like those, which we have to learn to ignore.   I'm saying that this might be the belief of your husband himself, or he may be afraid that it will be the crummy attitude and stigmatizing that he might encounter once a real diagnosis is made.

 

Either way, your son deserved diagnostic testing to rule out any challenges or disabilities.  You  and your husband both deserve to become more educated in the various aspect of whatever your son may have and to learn methodologies to help him manage it.

 

Neurologic problems are as real and as important as other problems and your son is worthy of receiving help.   Not getting help because a person doesn't like labels is like not getting insulin because you don't want your daughter "labelled" as a diabetic, KWIM?  

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poodlemom

Agree with Doxa 100% having had a child that needed massive treatment and extended stay in a children's hospital for anxiety and ocd among other things. 

 

Here's what I always tell people:  Finding out the truth is never wrong, it may be hard to swallow, but it is never, ever wrong to have the truth about a situation.  The truth will eventually help set you all free too.  Because by having the truth, you will know how best to proceed to help your child with the RIGHT kind of therapies vs. a scatter shot approach of what you think is wrong at the moment or not thinking anything is actually wrong.

 

The fact that you are even asking here shows that your "momma gut" instinct knows something is wrong.

 

And I wouldn't make this a submission issue with your husband.  This is also your child and a human life.  We have all known people who waited FAR TOO LONG to finally decided that yes their child needs help and by that time the child either won't receive the help or the neurological processes have advanced too far to allow the other portions of the brain to easily pick up what they need to do.

 

One of the OT's that worked with my child for a number of years said that she can't "cure" or fix the part of the brain that isn't working right, but she can help strengthen the other areas (with the right kind of therapy) to pick up what they need to do.  And for us, and a lot of children, medication to CALM and control the neural impulses are very necessary.

 

No one likes to see their child take medication long-term or for life, whether it is for heart, diabetes or brain.  But as one Dr explained it to us very clearly, the longer the wrong neural impulses are allowed to keep going unchecked (anxiety, ocd, etc), the deeper and more permanent those neural channels stay in the brain.  By using the medication to stop these out-of-control impulses or dampen them down, the more it allows the brain to build PROPER and HEALTHY neural channels that benefit the child/adult.

 

We have some friends who are definitely not Christian so they didn't view their problem with that particular mindset.  They have 3 boys - all adults.  Even 30-years-ago we could all see there was something wrong with the oldest.  But our friends were of the mindset that he was a special snowflake and they wanted to "value his differences."  That boy today is in his 30s and has rotted teeth (and these were high $$$ money family, and living in a great location), terrible BO (because of all his sensory issues) and frankly, cannot live on his own now.  The picture could have been so, so different if the parents had stepped up and dealt with the truth.  And now they know but it is too late to force him into remedial help and I don't know what it could do at this late point anyhow. 

 

We've had very limited dealings with another family and they also wouldn't do anything with their daughter.  She was in our hs group because she had been kicked out of many because of her behavior in others.  She was 9 at the time about 10-years-ago.  Our leader was more than tolerant by allowing her to stay because the other kids detested her.  I suspected she was bipolar at the very least.  The mother and father both highly educated wanted to value her difference too.  Because this mother was ALWAYS asking for our help and opinions, I finally told her mine and it was like a slap in her face.  I told her that up to this point, her child was somewhat manageable because she was still young but as she aged and got to be around 13 the stakes were going to be much, much higher with acting out sexually or other behavior even more anti-social than it was already - and it was already pretty darn anti-social then.  She was shocked. 

 

The stakes are much higher in terms of civil problems (police, pregnancy, et) than people realize.  Untreated mental illness has huge implications down the road and usually life long ones for the person afflicted and the family and then society.  OCD and anxiety are a form of mental illness and is a truth we have to accept IF we want to have the child get better.  That girl, whose father especially disagreed with treatment, is now acting out sexually because that part of her brain (among other areas) lacks inhibition whether it is sex or anger.  She has no real future and she isn't in college or trade school or anything.

 

Poodlemom

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Beautiful Terrible

Thowing in my 2 cents here because I was like you.  I let my DH 's fear of labeling and a desire to be a godly submissive wife intimidate me into NOT helping my daughter.  I've spent so many years at my wits end that last year, I woke up to realizing I was in a very unhealthy marriage where I was living in fear, the children were in fear, and all due to my husbands fear that was out of control and ruling us all.  If I could do it over again, I would have stood up for the needs of myself and my children and not let the fear of labeling (among others) keep my daughter from getting help.  She might be coping with life so much better now that she is 12 if I had properly understood the weaknesses she was struggling with.... and now that I have stepped out in faith and spoken up, I am finding we are empowered and I'm learning new ways to reach her and make life beautiful so it's not so terrible.  One last thought for you... "The Truth shall set you free!"

 

Beautiful Terrible

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poodlemom

I'll just throw this out.  Marriage's are supposed to work in tandem, both partners coping and helping with strengths and weaknesses.  Submission as mentioned in the NT is much more about spiritual submission within the home and even there I have a few questions about that, not about not helping yourself or your children because your husband doesn't like it.

 

Labels are only tools to help you to your destination.  If your child has ADHD, well, you wouldn't want the Dr treating him for diabetes because "he detests labels."  Detesting labels means that no one gets the right treatment.

 

Poodlemom

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